A moment in my head space... Dreams

When I was a child I used to have very wild vivid dreams.  Many were so vivid that I remember them to this day.  While driving up I-95 this morning, my mind began recalling one of the most paralyzing dreams from my youth.  I became so emotional that I contemplated pulling over until I could better control my tears.  I can say that I've had this dream about 4 times, while there were variations from dream to dream, it had the same theme, same plot, same characters, and unfortunately the same ending.
The dream focused on my siblings and I.  We were alone, traveling in search of safety, in these strange and dangerous worldly settings. Everything, and I mean everything, in those worlds was trying to get us.  We traveled through thick jungles were the incest flew about trying to capture or impale us, the trees and their poisonous vines ripped at our limps, and the animals stalked our every move waiting for us to be vulnerable... Or we were in a the desert land where monstrous sand storms appear out of no where ripping us away from each other or confusing our paths.... I remember a poisonous river with underwater creatures that would beckon us to drink.  Or wild rapids that would cause the water reach up and rock our makeshift boats to the point that we feared being capsized.... The ending would always be the same.  We would arrive at the base of some volcanic crater... millions of miles wide, millions of miles deep, hot and molten debris brewing around us.  For some reason we had to enter inside and walk across this stone path in order to finally make it to safety.  Each of the other impossible lands, I was responsible for getting my brothers and sister to safety.  We would be badly injured, limping and/or burned, but alive and hopeful.  But always at the end of this dream, just moments from safety, we would come to some impossible to cross section of the stones.  I would realize that for some reason, all of us would not be able to make it out alive.  Either our combined weight would begin to sink the stones into the lava, or I was the only one strong enough to lift the boulder blocking the path... something that indicated that if I continued with my siblings, one or all of them would surely to die.  Sadly, at the end of every dream I would realize this grave truth and with great sorrow and tremendous love, I would bark out orders of survival, kiss and hug them goodbye, and demand that they keep moving and not look back for me.  I would always have to sacrifice myself for them.  I would watch them running away in tears as I awaited my fate thinking that it was my duty to save and protect them.
I'd wake up crying... shaking and sweating.  Despite also being afraid of the dark, I'd brave the dark hallways of my house  to find my mother.  She'd sit up concerned and frantic at the sight of my swollen face and ask me what's wrong.  All I could say was "Mommy I don't want to die" and fall into her bed.  I'd sleep with her until I felt safe again.

So I'm crying as I write this blog... I still get that sinking feeling in my stomach when thinking about that particular dream.  Again, I've had that dream on more than one occasion and that's not even the longest running or scariest of them...

After my mini-break down in the car, I start to think about the meaning of the dream.  The imagery is crazy and defies physics, but there is always a meaning behind your dreams.  I come to the conclusion that these dreams were warning signs to me.  If you were to look back on my childhood, you would see many examples of sacrifices I needed to make so that my siblings would be taken care of... Leading by example, giving up multiple summer for unpaid babysitting.  No extracurricular activities outside of school academic functions, no movie trips, no shopping trips, no name brand clothes or shoes, no eating out, no privacy, no bad grades EVER, no room to myself, because if I didn't share... if I didn't stay home.... if I didn't take small/equal size portions, then my siblings would have suffered.  I was a kid so of course I complained about things being unfair... I didn't like getting only 3 gifts for Christmas but I knew there wasn't a Santa Claus and I knew my parents were headed for splits-ville and I knew my mother really needed me... so eventually I just sucked it up and did what I could to help.

I take the title of BIG SISTER very seriously.  I may argue with my siblings to the point of seeing red.... but I've known for a long time now, that I'd sooner die than to see harm come to them.

Be Well,
Mickel

It's my blog and I'll ramble if I want to...

This post is probably going to be a rambling of many things.  I have written on here in a while but that just means A LOT of things have been happening in my life.  In no particular order, let me just share...

So.... not to my surprise my employer laid me off this past spring!  I am thankful that I had the foresight to see it coming.  I think I was the only person who recognized the signs of "a reduction in force", knew that they were a candidate, and was elated to be paid to leave (plus transitional support). I could not get out of that office fast enough after signing the paperwork to guarantee my severance pay. I think they thought I was going to put up a fight. I might have actually been pop-locking out of the door! I was smart enough to have paid off all of my debts and have a little bit of a financial reserve.  Thank goodness for my mother's relentless lectures of financial responsibility. I hated my job.  I hated waking up early, just to lie in bed for another hour, trying to encourage myself to start the day. Here is my schedule:

Get up,
drive 40mins,
do nothing of importance,
be slightly discriminated against,
FACEBOOK,
drive 40mins,
arrive safely at home,
start my real life,
go to bed,
REPEAT.

I really hated my job.  I never felt comfortable there.  My boss was never an ally and his boss only did enough to cover her behind when things got "fuzzy".  They didn't care whether you had any training, or whether you knew anything about the products they engineered, just as long as you came to work, didn't ask too many questions, and drove a project to completion by any mean necessary but without spending any money.  Oh well... :-)

Oh quick shout out to all my Spring born babies (March, April, May, and I guess part of June?).  If I ever referred to you as a friend or as family, know that I love you and wish you all the happiness.  One of these birthday havers told me that they don't really celebrate their birthday. If fact, they said "It's no big deal. Everyone has a birthday."  I responded under my breath with "But not everyone gets to celebrate it." Not everyone was fortunate enough to see their birthday this year. Not everyone makes it to 31 or 25 or 16... So know that I love and respect you all.  My heart has so much happiness and sheer joy  that even the non-believer can feel my love! I'm flooding each and everyone's birthday with hope, promise, and laughter... Happy Birthday Sister! Happy Birthday Wesley! Happy Birthday Bennie-Mae! Happy Birthday Lawrence! Happy Birthday Dashawn, Danica, and Idi (the trifecta) and Happy Birthday Mia!  Happy Birthday to you all! Okay... I'll bring it down a notch.

Um... so this is a warning to all good intentioned people.  Don't trust Craigslist.  Specifically don't trust people for Valdosta Ga who post craigslist ads looking for friendship and housing but then decide to become overly aggressive and stop paying their rent.  I intended to help this person get back on their feet, what I got was a maniac with a nicotine addiction.  The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Get background checks on everybody.  Children too!

So... back to be laid off really quick.  So remember how I said I was laid off this past spring (I did say that, you weren't listening).  Well, I prayed that I would find another opportunity that better fit my aspirations of becoming a better engineer but that also fit with my growing desire for a new lifestyle.  It's funny how you consciously make decision for yourself and build this sturdy little life that you think will make you happy.  You try living that life... that life you built for yourself with your fancy education and your beautiful new house.  You try to find love and happiness within that life, but it's not working.  You look around this comfortable little life you have, surrounded by all your family and friends, and it's just not what you want anymore.  You love your family and friends, you love your little house, your love all the things you love, but this life isn't the life you need.  You crave for something else.  You crave the other sense of yourself that is a bit less practical and a lot more rewarding.  So I prayed constantly for something else to capture me. To take me away from what I know and who I know. And again, not to my surprise, my CREATOR answered my prayer.  Can't say that the worrier in my didn't panic and cry like a baby when I didn't see it unfolding in my life right away... but while I was praying, I was also planning and working on that plan.  The Creator helps those who help themselves, right?  So they laid me off and now, not only do I have a new position, but also an opportunity to go to graduate school for free!  All I had to do was believe that everything would be fine, figure out what I could do to make the situation better, and then leave all the stress behind me.  Go Figure!

I celebrated my one year loc-a-versary on May 14th by completing a Natural Hair Care Guidebook!!! Look for an upcoming blog.


Well, that's my story...

Be Well,

.: Mickel :.

"I worry, therefore I am!"

The Quarterly and OneDegreeFromMe

Here’s a little story about how my bold personality and “gift for gab” led me to the Modern Day Matchmakers Paul Carrick Brunson and Brandon Scott of OneDegreeFromMe and opened up the door for a possible career change.

I was dead set on making 2010 the BEST YEAR EVER {in a completely unnecessary and epic sounding tone} We will fast forward through a great 2010 to a (paraphrased) conversation I was having with a dear friend Mr. Newton.

Me: B, with all these great parties and contacts that you have… I need you out there finding me a man.

Newton: You are funny. Why don’t you check out this guy I know… he puts on these speed dating events for elite singles all around the country. The guy is dope and I hear the events are really good. You should check it out.

Me: I’ve never done speed dating and I’m not that “elite”...

Newton: Naw, don’t give me that… you should really check it out. His last event was in DC and I heard it was crazy. The next one is coming up soon in Baltimore.

Me: If you say so…

Newton: He’s a good dude, young married, happy… he’s smart and he knows what he’s talking about. He used to be an activist or something for education reform. He recognized that he had a knack for matching up his friends. He saw that there was a hole in the market for a Black matchmaker and decided to put some true effort behind this talent. Google his name Paul Brunson and see what comes up.

Me: I’ll look him up. Send me the info about his upcoming event.

After procrastinating for a week or so…. I googled the name “Paul Brunson” and several Paul Carrick Brunson related links popped up, including a few articles, the OneDegreeFromMe website, and a lot of blogs featuring the matchmaker. I read some of his articles about education reform, watched every OneDegreeFromMe video on YouTube, and then decided to register for their upcoming speed dating event in Baltimore. Oh course, because of my procrastination, there were no more female speed dating tickets available. So I settle for a mixer seat and figured I could watch the magic unfold and still mingle with the men if I wanted to...

The night of the Baltimore Quarterly was pretty cool. Some attractive men showed up and of course it was a packed house full of women. I mingled with a group of friends and then introduced myself to organizers of the Quarterly Paul Carrick Brunson and his business partner, fellow matchmaker Brandon Scott. There was a buzz going around the lounge. I could tell that all the guests were anxious to meet and mingle. Admittedly, I grew very restless and dare I say it, bored watching the first few rounds of flow dating. So I got up and began emulating T. French, of http://www.frenchkissez.com/, as she instructed the flow daters on what to do at the end of each round. Because I was dress so fiercely (pat on my own back) and was telling other guests what to do in a flirty, upbeat way, I kind of just assumed a role on the team. It was fun so I just ran with it. At the end of the night I was chatting it up with Brandon and Paul and thanking them for letting me pretend to be a hostess. A couple of days later, I received a call from Brandon asking if I would like to join their team as a logistics manager. He said that he and Paul really liked my initiative and upbeat personality. I was extremely flattered by their offer and accepted without haste. So there I was with a snazzy new title and some new responsibilities to look forward to. I relied on Brandon and T. French for guidance because I’d never helped plan a speed dating event (or any other large scale social event) and the next event was being held in New York City! For the two months, I participated in conference calls, team brainstorming sessions, back-and-forth emails, etc in support of The Quarterly-New York. My major role was to assess the layout of our venue Greenhouse (http://www.greenhouseusa.com/newyork) and plan the flow of the entire evening from registration to let out.

On the day of The Quarterly, I was responsible for supporting the registration manager, providing guidance and instruction to volunteers, maintaining the flow of daters and mixers, coordinate the sponsors and the swag bags, and help get all guests out of the venue by a predetermined timeframe… all while rocking a beautiful orange mini-dress and 4in black suede Mary Janes by Jessica Simpson. Talk about being on my game! The night had its up and downs, but in the words of B. Scott it was a “TRULY EPIC EVENT”. I was exhausted but completely pumped about how well the event had gone! All totaled up, we had over 300 people attend with nearly 150 flow daters. I am told now that we made over 150 matches as a result of The Quarterly and I’m anxious to hear about if any genuine relationships blossom from that number. It was bittersweet driving back to home from New York. The Quarterly was finally over and I received a lot of positive feedback. I sat in my bed on the Monday afterwards and for the first time since forever I felt a sense of purpose. Like I was able to shine at something that felt interesting, dynamic, and fast pace enough to hold my attention and utilize a lot of my natural talents. I pray that this takes off because I would gladly walk away from my current career path as OneDegreeFromMe moves upward.

Check the video @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpyQh93c8A8 

I thought about what I would say if ever interviewed about my work with Paul, Brandon, and the OneDegreeFromMe team… what would I say? Of course me being the dreamer and visionary that I am (again, patting myself on the back, lol), I have prepared a little something just in case:

"Working with Paul Carrick Brunson and Brandon Scott has been amazing! As a member of OneDegreeFromMe, I am excited about the opportunities to plan and organize these epic Quarterly events throughout the US. While The Quarterly offers an opportunity to educate and entertain our guests, our sole purpose is to bring well deserving people together and foster genuine connections. With the mixture of good music, beautiful people and a positive charged atmosphere, love is closer than you think!"

I’m posting a link to the OneDegreeFromMe website, contact info and some other associated links. See below:

• OneDegreeFromMe website: http://onedegreefrom.me/
• Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/OneDegreeFromMe
• Twitter page: http://twitter.com/onedegreefromme
• Youtube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/OneDegreeFromMe

If you’d like to attend an upcoming Quarterly flow dating event, check out http://www.meetup.com/Quarterly/ for the most up-to-date information!

So that’s my spill… Ms. Mickel has turned herself into an event planner and has jumped on an opportunity to be a promoter, planner, swag bag stuffer, social intern, and socialite! Okay, maybe not a socialite, but who knows. I’m having fun and enjoying the new connections being formed. I will pray for continued success for Mr. Brunson, Mr. Scott, and everyone else taking this trip with me.

I hope you all are grinding for your dreams and not sitting idle while the world passes you by…

Be well,

Mickel

“Sacrificing more than most could imagine, for a life that most can only dream of...” – Mr. Newton

Oh No She Didn't!

So I'm a faithful facebook commenter... If the topic is about relationships between black men and black women, I have a tendancy of jumping into a conversation and going hard in facebook comment box.  To be honest a lot of the topics I have posted on this blog are directly from a commenting session initiated on facebook.
So the latest topic originated from the popularity of black women publicly bashing black men on youtube or other mass media.  There is a lady who decided to address the issue by creating her own video that speaks directly to black women.  Check the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFxvirjnfmg&NR=1And
Of course a friend posted the video on his page and asked for opinions.  I initially left a small message expressing my approval, but then after reading some of the comments by other women. I felt the need to go in... You can read the comments and then my take on.

First Comment: "Black men are, or have been, those things. What about all the generations of women who were faithful/loving wives, silently abused, left with a house full ...of children, had to work multiple jobs because her husband was a drunk/addict, took care of his out-of-wedlock children (which meant he was unfaithful), stood beside him while his mistress was throwing their relationship in her face, etc etc etc.WHILE MOST BLACK WOMEN STOOD IN THE BACKGROUND WITHOUT SAYING A WORD."

Second Comment: "What about the music industry that is overpopulated with men disrespecting young black women. So were we supposed to sit back and continually stand behind/beside men who displayed those characteristics? At some point black women were going to speak out about this beyond the hair salons and "girl talks". "

Third Comment: "I truly see these videos as ego boosters fo...r men who may simply be insecure in themselves and what they bring to the table especially if "independent" is seen as negative...what man wouldn't want a woman who can hold down the household should something happen to him, God forbid...or what about someone who doesn't rely on him for the minor things that she can take care of herself...it seems to be a double standard as usual. Men don't want "needy" women but they don't want "independent" ones either...What's the middle ground? "


I initially left a small message expressing my approval, but then after reading some of the comments by other women. I felt the need to go in...

Mickel says:  
No one wants a needy partner but everyone wants to feel needed. No one wants a partner who can do or will do everything by themselves. If that was the case, then you undermined the definition of partnership. The middle ground is partnership and... respect.  I don't view this as an ego boost for men. More like a wake up call for black women (and really anyone) whose complaining... especially if they are complaining about a entire culture of men on a national stage. When you open your mouth and complain about another person and how they did you wrong, you also shed light on what you were willing to accept. "He cheated on me" "He stole from me" "He sexually exploited me" Those are actions that he committed against you. Granted, the man is a jerk and he's emotionally, mentally, physicallly harming you. The next question is what are you doing to stop it and protect yourself. Are staying there with him? Are you raising his other children? Are you still supplying a comfortable little piece of yourself to him? Yes, he's acting like a jerk and trying to walk all over you but that doesn't mean you lie there like doormat.
Historically, we were slaves and our families were torn apart. In later generations, some black men stepped out on their ladies and abandoned their families. Nowadays, some black men act as if they have no home training and no respect.  I think the video is highlighting the way "today's black women" have chosen to respond. Today's Black Women are publicly bashing the entire culture of today's black men based on the bad actions of SOME of these men AND the collective bad behaviors of men in the past. How many of us were dating in the days of slavery? How about the 40s, 50s, and 60s? How are you going judge the level of "do rightness" in a 25-35 year old man based on what somebody's grandfather did 3 decades ago?  Historically, black men couldn't say anything against the worthiness and outstanding actions of black women. They wouldn't have a leg to stand on! Even if a woman did get out of pocket, if she had always held it down then he still wouldn't be able to speak poorly of her. As I said earlier, if you shed light on someone’s bad behavior, you also shed light on yourself.
Last comment, You cannot force an adult woman to get up and exploit herself publicly unless you are literally threatening her life or the life of her family. These adult women (black, white, and everything else) are choosing to these actions. They are choosing to take their clothes off, choosing to be in those videos, and choosing to be viewed and to act that way. They are choosing no good men and then choosing to ride for life (babies and marriage) with these no good men. They are choosing to be the doormat, choosing to go against what they WOULD NORMALLY DO if they were in their right mind. Get some confidence, be accountable, know your worth, and take your power back."


What do you think?

Be well,
Mickel :-)
"Don't be a part of the problem, be a part of the SOLUTION"  -- J. Bytheway

Take Back Your Power

So I was commenting on a blog entry from one of my favorite blogs French Kissez at http://www.frenchkissez.com/.  Ms. French spoke on her perpetual state of being caught in limbo within her past relationships. Of course the topic struct a nerve with me and I ended up going in on my comment.  I would suggest that you read the FrenchKissez entry titled "Limbo is a Game I Played as a Child" just to get a feel for my comments below.

My reply to http://www.frenchkissez.com/ entry titled "Limbo is a Game I Played as a Child":

"I say take your power back. We find ourselves in limbo because we are too afraid of what the man may think or what the man may do IF we step outside of their comfort zones. We are afraid to ask for what we want and be who we are and express ourselves the way we want to because it might make the man uncomfortable or want to leave. I say throw a fit. Get absolutely out of pocket on him IF he deserves it. Say something bold and outlandish. Tell him the absolute truth about yourself and what you think. Let him know when he's annoying you. Tell him you want to get married or move to Arizona or join a rock band. Let him become uncomfortable. Let him leave! OR let him show you how badly he wants to be with you. Men have a way of wanting to fixing things, so watch and evaluate the way he fixes things between you after a thoughtful but difficult conversation. But remaining quiet, not expressing your thoughts/goals/needs or hesitant to express yourself or not standing up for yourself is unfair in so many ways 1) You aren't being yourself 2) That man is unable to evaluate, learn about, and properly care for you the right way because you aren't being yourself 3) You aren't able to evaluate him and/or how he responds to "the real you" 4) He's not a mind reader. Withholding information about your desires and goals ensures that he will never meet your expectations 5) Communication is the foundation to every relationship. It sets the tone to whether you should trust, protect, or respect the person you are trying to communicate with... CLOSED MOUTHS DON'T GET FED.

Not saying I have all the answers, but these are the lessons I've learned. A few great friends taught me about being accountable for the parts that I played in failed relationships. When it came down to it, there was a breakdown in communication and it was easier just to play it safe. Getting out of limbo state is as simple as holding a conversation and making decision. Take your power back!"

~MICKEL.JUSTMICKEL @ NATURALLYECCENTRIC.BLOGSPOT.COM

Do you think I'm right? What's your opinion on relationships in limbo?

Be well, Mickel
"Closed mouths don't get fed."
"You teach people how to treat you by setting your boundaries and enforcing them."

May 2010, here are my thoughts

Umm... so I've been slipping.  A month has past and i've posted nothing.  I know, you can tar and feather me if you'd like.

This entry will be a mixture of what's happening for me as of late.  Let me start out by saying that today is my sister's birthday. So "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, sister! I love you and I hate that we are so far apart..."
My sister and I were like a well orchestrated tag team growing up.  Our house was divided, Boys against Girls, and clearly the girls ran the house.  We shared the same room, same toys, and sometimes the same clothes for over 12 years. I looked at her like my little sister shadow for a long time; following me wherever I went. Crying to our mother when I would tell her to leave me and my friends alone. Then I began to take my big sister responsibility to heart, trying to be an example and protector to all of my siblings; especially her. In my eyes, she was like my protege.  She'd be the better version of me. She'd never suffer from low self-esteem, low self worth, low anything... because I taught her the lessons from all my sad stories of adolescent. I wanted her to dodge the small stuff and focus on the bigger picture.  And she did for the most part. She's an college graduate (GO BEARS!!!) with a degree in engineering, she holds two patents for technology being developed by her previous employer, and she's a great dancer and actress. She's moving on the the next big chapter in her life... joining the real world with a new career in Texas. She beat me to California and she's beating me to living in the south. I wonder now if I'm still her hero, if I make her proud and if she loves me like she did when we were younger.

Also, a check in with my experiment in forgiveness. What a difference a gesture can make!  I feel a million times better when facing some of the people I have held grudges towards. And for the people that I'm still working on forgiving, I feel much more confident about offering/receiving forgiveness because of how it has worked for me.

So, the purpose of starting this blog was to create a space for me to share my adventures in artistic expression and my love of things natural. Specifically my natural hair, but other arenas where natural beauty shines.  As of yet, I've done very little of that.  Not a single picture of my oil paintings or newly developing locs.  I'm slipping.  The next few entries will be completely devoted to art or natural hair or natural living.


What's going in your life? What goals or ideas have you been keeping bottled up? What are you going to do about them? What will you accomplish today? This summer? This year? What's holding you back? How do you plan on getting over it and yourself?


Be well,
Mickel

"Closed mouths don't get fed. Think about it!"  --- Mickel
" True beauty lies in imperfection" --- WJ