May 2010, here are my thoughts

Umm... so I've been slipping.  A month has past and i've posted nothing.  I know, you can tar and feather me if you'd like.

This entry will be a mixture of what's happening for me as of late.  Let me start out by saying that today is my sister's birthday. So "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, sister! I love you and I hate that we are so far apart..."
My sister and I were like a well orchestrated tag team growing up.  Our house was divided, Boys against Girls, and clearly the girls ran the house.  We shared the same room, same toys, and sometimes the same clothes for over 12 years. I looked at her like my little sister shadow for a long time; following me wherever I went. Crying to our mother when I would tell her to leave me and my friends alone. Then I began to take my big sister responsibility to heart, trying to be an example and protector to all of my siblings; especially her. In my eyes, she was like my protege.  She'd be the better version of me. She'd never suffer from low self-esteem, low self worth, low anything... because I taught her the lessons from all my sad stories of adolescent. I wanted her to dodge the small stuff and focus on the bigger picture.  And she did for the most part. She's an college graduate (GO BEARS!!!) with a degree in engineering, she holds two patents for technology being developed by her previous employer, and she's a great dancer and actress. She's moving on the the next big chapter in her life... joining the real world with a new career in Texas. She beat me to California and she's beating me to living in the south. I wonder now if I'm still her hero, if I make her proud and if she loves me like she did when we were younger.

Also, a check in with my experiment in forgiveness. What a difference a gesture can make!  I feel a million times better when facing some of the people I have held grudges towards. And for the people that I'm still working on forgiving, I feel much more confident about offering/receiving forgiveness because of how it has worked for me.

So, the purpose of starting this blog was to create a space for me to share my adventures in artistic expression and my love of things natural. Specifically my natural hair, but other arenas where natural beauty shines.  As of yet, I've done very little of that.  Not a single picture of my oil paintings or newly developing locs.  I'm slipping.  The next few entries will be completely devoted to art or natural hair or natural living.


What's going in your life? What goals or ideas have you been keeping bottled up? What are you going to do about them? What will you accomplish today? This summer? This year? What's holding you back? How do you plan on getting over it and yourself?


Be well,
Mickel

"Closed mouths don't get fed. Think about it!"  --- Mickel
" True beauty lies in imperfection" --- WJ

This thing called Forgiveness?

I was informed that I hadn't written an entry in about a week.  I see that my wonderful followers are actually following me so I cannot disappoint! #shoutout to Ms. Skipper, ever vigilant!

So I'm hearing about this thing called FORGIVENESS... I'm being told that it clears your minds and sets you free.
I'm thinking "Why allow those people to think things are cool? So they can feel better about themselves?"
They say "It's not about them, it's about you. It's about establishing your own boundaries and creating your own peace."
I'm thinking "I'm all for peace of mind and all, but I dont see how me forgiving them helps me.  They should feel bad, guilty even, about being an a$$hole."
They say "Again, it's not about them. And you cannot determine how another person feels."
I make a face  :-(
They say "While you sitting here worried about what they are thinking and doing, you aren't focused on how you think and how you feel.  Worry about yourself.  Change that, stop worrying and live your life."
I started my bitter rebuttal...
But then they say "Let it go. You do not have to be their best friend. You don't have to speak or see that person anymore unless you want to. You decide.  You choose. Don't give one person so much power over you."
I'm listening...
They say "I know your heart, you don't need to carry those great big loads of hurt and pain.  Put the bags down and don't ever pick them back up.  You don't want to be 40yrs and still talking about $hit from your teens and 20s.  I'm sure you would rather grow from those situations rather than muddle around in them."
and because I'm listening, I hear them say...
"Haven't you ever done something you wish you hadn't done? Have you ever hurt someone intentionally or unintentionally? Wouldn't you want to be forgiven?"
(MESSAGE)

Okay... so I'll call it an emotional experiment.  My hypothesis: If I forgive those that hurt me and set firm boundaries for myself, then I should feel better and worry less. I guess it's worth a try, right?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
- Heart of the Matter by India.Arie

Be well....
Mickel

"Every single time I wash my hands of him, I turn around and he is holding the towel"  -- Ms. Skipper