When I was a child I used to have very wild vivid dreams. Many were so vivid that I remember them to this day. While driving up I-95 this morning, my mind began recalling one of the most paralyzing dreams from my youth. I became so emotional that I contemplated pulling over until I could better control my tears. I can say that I've had this dream about 4 times, while there were variations from dream to dream, it had the same theme, same plot, same characters, and unfortunately the same ending.
The dream focused on my siblings and I. We were alone, traveling in search of safety, in these strange and dangerous worldly settings. Everything, and I mean everything, in those worlds was trying to get us. We traveled through thick jungles were the incest flew about trying to capture or impale us, the trees and their poisonous vines ripped at our limps, and the animals stalked our every move waiting for us to be vulnerable... Or we were in a the desert land where monstrous sand storms appear out of no where ripping us away from each other or confusing our paths.... I remember a poisonous river with underwater creatures that would beckon us to drink. Or wild rapids that would cause the water reach up and rock our makeshift boats to the point that we feared being capsized.... The ending would always be the same. We would arrive at the base of some volcanic crater... millions of miles wide, millions of miles deep, hot and molten debris brewing around us. For some reason we had to enter inside and walk across this stone path in order to finally make it to safety. Each of the other impossible lands, I was responsible for getting my brothers and sister to safety. We would be badly injured, limping and/or burned, but alive and hopeful. But always at the end of this dream, just moments from safety, we would come to some impossible to cross section of the stones. I would realize that for some reason, all of us would not be able to make it out alive. Either our combined weight would begin to sink the stones into the lava, or I was the only one strong enough to lift the boulder blocking the path... something that indicated that if I continued with my siblings, one or all of them would surely to die. Sadly, at the end of every dream I would realize this grave truth and with great sorrow and tremendous love, I would bark out orders of survival, kiss and hug them goodbye, and demand that they keep moving and not look back for me. I would always have to sacrifice myself for them. I would watch them running away in tears as I awaited my fate thinking that it was my duty to save and protect them.
I'd wake up crying... shaking and sweating. Despite also being afraid of the dark, I'd brave the dark hallways of my house to find my mother. She'd sit up concerned and frantic at the sight of my swollen face and ask me what's wrong. All I could say was "Mommy I don't want to die" and fall into her bed. I'd sleep with her until I felt safe again.
So I'm crying as I write this blog... I still get that sinking feeling in my stomach when thinking about that particular dream. Again, I've had that dream on more than one occasion and that's not even the longest running or scariest of them...
After my mini-break down in the car, I start to think about the meaning of the dream. The imagery is crazy and defies physics, but there is always a meaning behind your dreams. I come to the conclusion that these dreams were warning signs to me. If you were to look back on my childhood, you would see many examples of sacrifices I needed to make so that my siblings would be taken care of... Leading by example, giving up multiple summer for unpaid babysitting. No extracurricular activities outside of school academic functions, no movie trips, no shopping trips, no name brand clothes or shoes, no eating out, no privacy, no bad grades EVER, no room to myself, because if I didn't share... if I didn't stay home.... if I didn't take small/equal size portions, then my siblings would have suffered. I was a kid so of course I complained about things being unfair... I didn't like getting only 3 gifts for Christmas but I knew there wasn't a Santa Claus and I knew my parents were headed for splits-ville and I knew my mother really needed me... so eventually I just sucked it up and did what I could to help.
I take the title of BIG SISTER very seriously. I may argue with my siblings to the point of seeing red.... but I've known for a long time now, that I'd sooner die than to see harm come to them.
Be Well,
Mickel
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