A moment in my head space... Dreams

When I was a child I used to have very wild vivid dreams.  Many were so vivid that I remember them to this day.  While driving up I-95 this morning, my mind began recalling one of the most paralyzing dreams from my youth.  I became so emotional that I contemplated pulling over until I could better control my tears.  I can say that I've had this dream about 4 times, while there were variations from dream to dream, it had the same theme, same plot, same characters, and unfortunately the same ending.
The dream focused on my siblings and I.  We were alone, traveling in search of safety, in these strange and dangerous worldly settings. Everything, and I mean everything, in those worlds was trying to get us.  We traveled through thick jungles were the incest flew about trying to capture or impale us, the trees and their poisonous vines ripped at our limps, and the animals stalked our every move waiting for us to be vulnerable... Or we were in a the desert land where monstrous sand storms appear out of no where ripping us away from each other or confusing our paths.... I remember a poisonous river with underwater creatures that would beckon us to drink.  Or wild rapids that would cause the water reach up and rock our makeshift boats to the point that we feared being capsized.... The ending would always be the same.  We would arrive at the base of some volcanic crater... millions of miles wide, millions of miles deep, hot and molten debris brewing around us.  For some reason we had to enter inside and walk across this stone path in order to finally make it to safety.  Each of the other impossible lands, I was responsible for getting my brothers and sister to safety.  We would be badly injured, limping and/or burned, but alive and hopeful.  But always at the end of this dream, just moments from safety, we would come to some impossible to cross section of the stones.  I would realize that for some reason, all of us would not be able to make it out alive.  Either our combined weight would begin to sink the stones into the lava, or I was the only one strong enough to lift the boulder blocking the path... something that indicated that if I continued with my siblings, one or all of them would surely to die.  Sadly, at the end of every dream I would realize this grave truth and with great sorrow and tremendous love, I would bark out orders of survival, kiss and hug them goodbye, and demand that they keep moving and not look back for me.  I would always have to sacrifice myself for them.  I would watch them running away in tears as I awaited my fate thinking that it was my duty to save and protect them.
I'd wake up crying... shaking and sweating.  Despite also being afraid of the dark, I'd brave the dark hallways of my house  to find my mother.  She'd sit up concerned and frantic at the sight of my swollen face and ask me what's wrong.  All I could say was "Mommy I don't want to die" and fall into her bed.  I'd sleep with her until I felt safe again.

So I'm crying as I write this blog... I still get that sinking feeling in my stomach when thinking about that particular dream.  Again, I've had that dream on more than one occasion and that's not even the longest running or scariest of them...

After my mini-break down in the car, I start to think about the meaning of the dream.  The imagery is crazy and defies physics, but there is always a meaning behind your dreams.  I come to the conclusion that these dreams were warning signs to me.  If you were to look back on my childhood, you would see many examples of sacrifices I needed to make so that my siblings would be taken care of... Leading by example, giving up multiple summer for unpaid babysitting.  No extracurricular activities outside of school academic functions, no movie trips, no shopping trips, no name brand clothes or shoes, no eating out, no privacy, no bad grades EVER, no room to myself, because if I didn't share... if I didn't stay home.... if I didn't take small/equal size portions, then my siblings would have suffered.  I was a kid so of course I complained about things being unfair... I didn't like getting only 3 gifts for Christmas but I knew there wasn't a Santa Claus and I knew my parents were headed for splits-ville and I knew my mother really needed me... so eventually I just sucked it up and did what I could to help.

I take the title of BIG SISTER very seriously.  I may argue with my siblings to the point of seeing red.... but I've known for a long time now, that I'd sooner die than to see harm come to them.

Be Well,
Mickel

It's my blog and I'll ramble if I want to...

This post is probably going to be a rambling of many things.  I have written on here in a while but that just means A LOT of things have been happening in my life.  In no particular order, let me just share...

So.... not to my surprise my employer laid me off this past spring!  I am thankful that I had the foresight to see it coming.  I think I was the only person who recognized the signs of "a reduction in force", knew that they were a candidate, and was elated to be paid to leave (plus transitional support). I could not get out of that office fast enough after signing the paperwork to guarantee my severance pay. I think they thought I was going to put up a fight. I might have actually been pop-locking out of the door! I was smart enough to have paid off all of my debts and have a little bit of a financial reserve.  Thank goodness for my mother's relentless lectures of financial responsibility. I hated my job.  I hated waking up early, just to lie in bed for another hour, trying to encourage myself to start the day. Here is my schedule:

Get up,
drive 40mins,
do nothing of importance,
be slightly discriminated against,
FACEBOOK,
drive 40mins,
arrive safely at home,
start my real life,
go to bed,
REPEAT.

I really hated my job.  I never felt comfortable there.  My boss was never an ally and his boss only did enough to cover her behind when things got "fuzzy".  They didn't care whether you had any training, or whether you knew anything about the products they engineered, just as long as you came to work, didn't ask too many questions, and drove a project to completion by any mean necessary but without spending any money.  Oh well... :-)

Oh quick shout out to all my Spring born babies (March, April, May, and I guess part of June?).  If I ever referred to you as a friend or as family, know that I love you and wish you all the happiness.  One of these birthday havers told me that they don't really celebrate their birthday. If fact, they said "It's no big deal. Everyone has a birthday."  I responded under my breath with "But not everyone gets to celebrate it." Not everyone was fortunate enough to see their birthday this year. Not everyone makes it to 31 or 25 or 16... So know that I love and respect you all.  My heart has so much happiness and sheer joy  that even the non-believer can feel my love! I'm flooding each and everyone's birthday with hope, promise, and laughter... Happy Birthday Sister! Happy Birthday Wesley! Happy Birthday Bennie-Mae! Happy Birthday Lawrence! Happy Birthday Dashawn, Danica, and Idi (the trifecta) and Happy Birthday Mia!  Happy Birthday to you all! Okay... I'll bring it down a notch.

Um... so this is a warning to all good intentioned people.  Don't trust Craigslist.  Specifically don't trust people for Valdosta Ga who post craigslist ads looking for friendship and housing but then decide to become overly aggressive and stop paying their rent.  I intended to help this person get back on their feet, what I got was a maniac with a nicotine addiction.  The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Get background checks on everybody.  Children too!

So... back to be laid off really quick.  So remember how I said I was laid off this past spring (I did say that, you weren't listening).  Well, I prayed that I would find another opportunity that better fit my aspirations of becoming a better engineer but that also fit with my growing desire for a new lifestyle.  It's funny how you consciously make decision for yourself and build this sturdy little life that you think will make you happy.  You try living that life... that life you built for yourself with your fancy education and your beautiful new house.  You try to find love and happiness within that life, but it's not working.  You look around this comfortable little life you have, surrounded by all your family and friends, and it's just not what you want anymore.  You love your family and friends, you love your little house, your love all the things you love, but this life isn't the life you need.  You crave for something else.  You crave the other sense of yourself that is a bit less practical and a lot more rewarding.  So I prayed constantly for something else to capture me. To take me away from what I know and who I know. And again, not to my surprise, my CREATOR answered my prayer.  Can't say that the worrier in my didn't panic and cry like a baby when I didn't see it unfolding in my life right away... but while I was praying, I was also planning and working on that plan.  The Creator helps those who help themselves, right?  So they laid me off and now, not only do I have a new position, but also an opportunity to go to graduate school for free!  All I had to do was believe that everything would be fine, figure out what I could do to make the situation better, and then leave all the stress behind me.  Go Figure!

I celebrated my one year loc-a-versary on May 14th by completing a Natural Hair Care Guidebook!!! Look for an upcoming blog.


Well, that's my story...

Be Well,

.: Mickel :.

"I worry, therefore I am!"

Fear of Flying.

I visited the blog page of recent follower Ms.Witherspoon.  I read her blog entry title "To PhD or Not To PhD" and felt a connection to her story.  Her high aspirations for returning to school coupled with the fear of failure mirrored my own story.  I was compelled to write a comment in response.  (Of course, for some  reason, my internet connection is not allowing me to post to her blog page.  I sent her a facebook message instead... I'll try again from a different computer).  Read my comments to Ms. Witherspoon below:

"For some reason, I was not able to post to your blog so I am writing here… We share a few similarities that I wanted to share with you. I loved school (minus the popularity contests and not having a car). I excelled in math and science and participated heavily in after school activities, including JROTC where I became a decorated officer. When it came to college, I initially struggled through some of my classes. Some engineering related and some liberal arts related. While I rebounded from poor grades, I also had trouble finding a balance as an adult. All of those setbacks and obstacles led me to question myself and ultimately become a bit insecure.
I have a strong desire to go back to school for a master’s degree in engineering or business management. I realized that “on the job training” and "real world" engineering is not as much fun as what I learned in school. If I really wanted to make a difference and do something worthwhile I needed to catapult myself into a senior engineering or executive role. Which, of course, requires more training.
I was accepted into engineering program, but after nearly 4 years out of school, I could not catch on to the technical work and did not have the time necessary to devote fully to studying like I used to. I was then accepted into another engineering program, but opted not to go because I was wary of the whether the program was what I was looking for. I began thinking about my long-term goals. I wanted to own and managed an art gallery. I wanted to invest in and maintain real estate. I wanted to be involved with people and be more in control of my career. Through some self-assessment, I decided that a business school would be more ideal for me. But now I’m dragging my feet. I am terribly afraid that I cannot cut it. Engineering can be mentally draining but that is a type of drain that I am used to. I know the lingo, I know the format.... What I do not know I can research and study until the answer is apparent. I’m afraid that the world of business if just too fast for me. I question whether I have the leadership, attention to detail, or initiative for that level of work. I psych myself out because I am truly terrified of failing.
My mother wishes she had her master’s degree, 5 children and a cabinet full of awards for her work as a graphic illustrator, but she tells me constantly that she wishes she’d continued her education. I have no doubt that she will eventually go back when the last of my siblings gets through high school, but some of the benefits of an advance degree will have decreased by then.
With that being said, I am still setting myself up for this potential failure. I have registered for the GMAT, began the application, and started an unpaid internship with a start up business just to give myself some confidence as I move closer to the tremendous goal. I don’t know how I’m paying for school yet, but I am applying for it anyway. I don’t know how I will get there and still maintain my full-time job, but I am applying for it anyway. I just keep thinking, I do not want to be wishing for the same dream 20 years from now when all I had to do was try and keep trying.
I am going to post this on my blog…
Just wanted to share my own story with you and encourage you to get over that fear just like I am attempting to do. You will not be in that small town forever. What great things do you see for yourself in the future? How do you plan to achieve them? Start now."

 
I encourage you all to read her blog post and think about your own dreams and aspirations. What are you doing to make those dreams real?


Be well,
Mickel


"I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn't have the heart to let him (or her... lol) down..." -Unknown (edits by Mickel)